It’s a rough place to be.
It’s hard to just “be” a mother. There is no societal outlet for housebound mothers to easily replenish themselves. Our culture of getting far from family, moving far from home… deprives us of a certain amount of familial support, and validation of our “being”. Apart from them, alone, you can get lost quicker, with no one to remind you of who you are.
Ask the universe to put you in my path. I tend to take chances. I have taken chances, and although I maybe be at a standstill now, my heart is always open. I believe in fate. I believe love is very flexible, and there is enough to go around. Culture tries to pigeonhole love, unfortunately, but I think love comes in an infinite varieties.
I trust in pheromones. Perhaps this overlaps with fate.
Have some swagger. At least a twinkle in your eye of naughtiness once in awhile.
Be an honest person.
Love doesn’t mean instant access to sex. Respect that.
Five ways to win your heart.
Ariel Levy’s book review of Naomi Wolf’s “Vagina: A New Biography” in the New Yorker was quite fun. She is pretty critical of the book, which comes across in her article as sort of a self-indulgent, new-agey exploration. Complete with yoni-healing gurus and the use of the word “Goddess” and purdah. Unfortunately, you have to be a subscriber to have full access to the article, but there is a nice enough chunk available for you to get the picture. Hit the library up for a copy, or your neighbor if you can. I put my name on the the hold list for Wolf’s book (1 of 2 requestors) because it might be worth the giggle.
One piece of the article caught me, on page 99 of the New Yorker, that explained well the feeling I’ve had about sex, from a woman’s perspective, as an owner of an “inny”, rather than an “outy”.
“Straight men would do well to ask themselves: ‘Do I want to be married to a Goddess—or a bitch?’ Unfortunately, there is not, physiologically, much middle ground available to women,” Wolf writes. “Either they are extremely well treated sexually, or else they become physically uncomfortable and emotionally uncomfortable.” The vagina is no longer an orifice within the woman; the woman is now a support mechanism for the vagina. Anger the vagina and the woman will have no choice to become a harpy. Biology is destiny again.
I think I can agree with this, especially in the context of marriage. I am not sure I’d call myself a harpy, during our dry spells, but the idea of being unsatisfied somehow causes a separation between the vagina and the self makes a lot of sense to me. I think the best sex is half cerebral. When you are not satisfied, not in the mood, or being approached for sex without any “whole being” interest, it is easy to detach. Your brain doesn’t engage into the sex, and then the pleasure of physical sex is not amplified enough, or at all. The Yoni-tapper (guru) that Naomi Wolf visits, gazes into the woman’s eyes, and welcome her as “Goddess”. Enough to make Ariel Levy and I cringe. I will give him credit though. Eye contact engages the whole being, it’s not just about two parts making friction. Words engage the ears. A man can do the same thing but say something different, from racy to kind and loving. If you are not getting that at home, you’ll want to get it elsewhere, eventually. I fondly remember the non-physical, pre-sex arousal of my past. Honest to god, the sex was never all that, but the beginnings were always good. If these were casual encounters the whole being was engaged between two people. Yes, in a way it was functional, but one had to flirt and keep the other engaged. Maybe it was chemical too. Eventually, even though the whole being was being engaged into procuring casual sex, there was not enough sustaining or nourishing engagement for me. Nowadays, I have a safe and healthy place to explore sex but marriage, being older, kids and responsibilities is a great challenge to getting the cerebral part going. You take things for granted. I want to say “instant access to parts” or “ownership” or “right to access partner’s bits and pieces as needed”. :/ You become the support mechanism for a vagina, rather than a whole partner for a sexual experience. Not to mention having an “inny” is more vulnerable than having an “outy”. I can’t explain it well, but having an “inny” means you have to let something in, or something can be forced in…. I am not sure how to make an “inny” aggressive, or dominant, or maybe it is the act of receiving rather than being the person who puts? It is not the same as a penis, that is for sure.
I’ve been looking for that elusive cerebral thrill. Thinking about it a lot. Trying to explain it to my husband. It is very hard, it is like two people trying to communicate in two different languages. It could be that we have two cultures, two polar opposite sexual pasts, and two ways of dealing with sexuality. How to explain this to a man who has never “practiced” wooing and charming women? Who came into marriage (mashallah) without that, going right into “instant access” sexuality. Oh, should I mention I like women too, and that is taboo and a desire not being met? LOL
Rachel Maddow: "I think the responsibility that we have as gay Americans to the extent that we can — and we ought to be really ambitious about the extent to which we can — we have to be out. That’s the thing that we owe the people who came before us who are the pioneers, and that’s the thing we owe the next generation of gay people in terms of clearing the way and making life easier for them.
I don’t know where else to put this since dreams can be boring to the people having to listen. Lonely old cyberspace is just fine, and typing is easier than holding a pen.
Last night I dreamt that we moved into the second story unit of a boat shaped house, facing a rushing river, in the midst of a trailer park. When I arrived home, my kids greeted me, having been left alone the whole day (???).The neighbors had helped themselves to pre-prepared beef kofta I had made back when I was in art school and were barbecuing outside and having a very loud block party. Actually police were there trying to keep it down. I got complements on the beef from people! Went inside and found my Art Thesis book, sort of a gallery book of my work. In it were photos of performances I did, sculptures, and in the back black and white photos I used to take. None of this is stuff I actually did in real life. I really enjoyed seeing the stuff I had done, and enjoyed the memories. Laughed at the requisite bare chested performance piece, done with a bunch of friends, also topless, in fabulous costumes. The photography was wonderful and I thought I should go back to that. My husband came home, and I realized the beef the neighbors had taken from the freezer were made way back then, before our marriage, in art school. I was worried about the quality–freezer burn or spoilage, but when I opened another packet, it looked and smelled fine.
Later, I went in to the apartment–even though I found art school memories, this was a new move for us, and I checked it out for the first time. That doesn’t make sense, but hey…it is a dream. I was glad we had taken it. The place was small but rambling, with many nooks and crannies. I peeked out the windows and saw balconies and the grass below, the river with a sandy bank, rushing water. I asked a neighbor if we had a shortcut to the shore, being as there was a beach there. She implied that we had to sneak over and that people had gotten busted. I was surprised, being under the impression that the river belonged to everyone. I thought if the river rose, we’d flood for sure, but our ship-shaped apartment was secure and safe. I didn’t mind the rowdy neighbors, or the low-rent trailer park, or the rushing river. It was just right.
I don’t know how to interpret the dream. Did I catch a glimpse of myself as “artist”, the path I didn’t take? Should I take up photography again? Is everything going to be “just fine” when we move into the new unit down the way, one that appears to be less than the one we have (not boxed in by neighbors, more windows, better patio)?
It's almost eleven years now since I took the plunge and made the most life altering decision possible and uttered those fatal words, 'la illaha illallah Muhammadan rasulAllah'.
Half of me thought I was insane and the other half knew there was no other choice. I remember thinking I would never come across a religious organisation that resonated with me or where I felt truly welcome but I couldn't bear the idea of being entirely alone.
Not much is going on.
Lie.
When you are not in a mental slump, it is all bearable and fine.
My husband lost his father this week. Inna Lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un. He is mid-flight right now. Things are going to be OK. He’ll get to mourn and take comfort with his family. I’ll get a good dose of single parenting, with one week of no school, meaning no breaks.
Before he left we were talking about Islam, I can’ remember how it got started, but we were in the car talking about droughts and natural disasters. My deen is so fragile right now, and super sensitive. Most religious talk will get me cringing. So, droughts and natural disasters. The husband thinks these things are a clear admonishment to punish societies that have too much evil or have gone astray. At the same time he thinks Muslims should stop complaining about why the U.S. hasn’t been hit with anything –kind of like: Why us? Why not them? I find any speculation about why Allah has brought drought, or rain, or a tsunami to a certain region is distasteful. It is not our place to speculate. Allahu allum. Or maybe you can speculate, but keep your opinion to yourself please. This kind of thinking turns-me off. I don’t think it is productive to blame people for their natural disasters. Your opinion is not going to entice anyone to the right path. A person afflicted by a natural disaster may be inspired to do some speculation and self-change, but that can’t come from us. I don’t know.
We really don’t talk about religion anymore, and shouldn’t at all for now. I have no religious self-esteem to stand my ground on and we see things so differently. One slice of the problem “pie”.
Here are some links:
How to Survive and Islamic Beatdown. Even if you you are in the closet, for what ever reason–sexuality or other beliefs, this is good advice. Do what you gotta do to just hang in there.
First, the videos of a lecture given by Dr. Leon Moosavi called “Converts: Has the Muslim Community Failed Them?”. It was nice that he gave this lecture, and I wish it could be standard play at every mosque across America. I might even have my husband watch it, since he really has a hard time relating to my experience and my burnout. I’m not saying everything Dr. Moosavi mentions happened to me, but I add to that the collective experience of converts that I know, and I am overwhelmed. Now add to that the way some Muslims (you can choose whether that is really some, most, or a lot) treat non-muslims. You can almost interchange the way converts are treated with the way non-muslims are treated, besides tokenism. I don’t think think we have anything to be proud of if we don’t have compassion and respect for everyone, regardless of religion or race.
This leads me to another video that popped up recently about Abdul Sattar Edhi of Pakistan. A wonderful man who lives a humble life, and does great things to help his fellow people regardless of who they are. The title of the youtube is “No religion is Higher than Humanity” . It has subtitles in english at the very bottom of the screen. You’ll cry, so get your box of tissues!
There is no respect for elders. People have become educated but have not become human. They throw their elders out….Even now we don’t believe in humanity at large, but are segregated into tribes. We are divided into sects and now the biggest evil has arrived…people are educated but they are all flawed, humanity is flawed. We have not become humans.
This is wisdom! All this creates barriers between people. The divisions of sects and such, I don’t think this means that we have to become one type of Muslim, but we do have to transcend these little differences and focus on the BIG things like trusting God, and being kind to on another. We are all human.
Lastly, the New York Times has a very sad story about a boy growing up in Morocco: A Boy to be Sacrificed By Abdellah Taia.
It is truly sad when young children are victimized and shunned for who they are naturally. The role the adults play in this is shameful. It’s not Islamic to taunt children, nor use and abuse. Even if you think something is not OK in your book, does not give you the right to use this as an excuse to hurt that person. Ugh. It is so heartbreaking.
Did the prophet ever shame anyone? Hurt anyone?
I have a friend who is able to go to the Muslim LGBT retreat but needs help getting there. When my turns comes, that I am able to safely do this, I would love to have support as well. I can tell you that dealing with your sexuality alone, and trying to reconcile your faith is very precarious. I would not mind being able to feel comfortable with Islam again, and feel safe to be myself while pursuing a spiritual path. I think this retreat would do wonders for any of us floundering out there.
Here is her Facebook post:
I have received a scholarship to go on a spiritual retreat in Philadelphia. They have made accommodation for Allie and I to attend. The scholarship covers everything but traveling cost to Philadelphia. I would like to go by car as I think that would be easiest for Allie and I. But I need to raise at least $200 for gas money to get us there. If you are interested in donating (any amount would …be greatly appreciated) to get me to the retreat I would very much appreciate it. Please send me a message if you are interested. I haven’t been on a retreat in many years, I have always loved the time to get away, be in community with others who share my beliefs and just take the time to be close to God. I will be setting up a chip in account but tonight their site is down and I wanted to get the word out as soon as possible. I need to register for the retreat by March 30, and if I cannot manage to gather the funds needed for the trip I need to let them know by April 27th so that someone else may take my spot. The retreat dates are from May 25th to May 28th.
Her Chipin Widget:
http://widget.chipin.com/widget/id/c2d8440b7a6ee825
