FLOTSAM

Marriage and Voice

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Who do you turn to when you have no one to truly talk to? Truly, as in honestly and no self-censorship.

No mom, so sister, no aunt.

I have friends. Some are very busy, and good conversation is hard to get going sometimes with kids and family obligations. Others, feel more like a 3/4 friendship: good and honest, but 1/4 of who I am doesn’t come into play for various reasons (religious reasons for example). Sometimes it is hard to speak up, or find someone willing to listen-sincerely. Gosh, even with my husband it is like this, which is part of the reason I am awake and wondering about life. I think with him it may be 1/2 of myself kept in reserve. Or more, who knows. So much gets tucked away with kids, lack of time, knowing so much about what another person doesn’t want to hear, or what just makes a mess if brought up.

The best dates ever, were with people who truly listened and asked sincere questions. I felt valued as a being, and not just potential sex partners. Not many of those come to mind. I wouldn’t mind having some sincere, non-sexual attention from my husband, and I bet he would too. Granted this doesn’t include mundane, daily interactions over what is for dinner, or who is dropping the kids off. I know I fail him on this account, and he fails me.

Is this a rut? Is this it?

Will talking about this help? Even if it hurts and is painful? It has to be done I think, because I have come a long way since almost breaking our marriage, but I find myself wanting almost all of the same things again: partnership, teamwork in the house, feeling close and connected, feeling valued again. After something that momentous in our relationship, I can’t believe neither of have really changed or made an effort, or somehow let things peter out again. Back to square one.

When things feel pointless between us, I get really pissed. I feel so damned stuck because of my health, and my kids. I don’t want to break apart the family, especially for such a light reason (not about abuse or miserable situations) especially since A) I think it would be devastating for the girls,  B) I probably wouldn’t be able to keep the girls or support them and C) most humiliating of all, support myself. That is the UGLY bottom line. We don’t get to pick and choose how we want things to go. I don’t come from money or have parents to help me transition. If I had family help would I leave? No. I still wouldn’t want to be apart from daily family life with my girls. I also don’t think I’d like the person I’d become. So that leaves me with the only option, which is to stay. Stay, in a weird unhappy way, as I am now, in my own room, accepting we are different? or Stay, and try to patch shit up, and work harder (as long as it is mutual)? If I had family money, or health and wealth, then I might feel a lot more in control of my own destiny, and I could leave and spend time in a cabin when I need to, or even rent the house next door, if i needed to make a point. I feel powerless. And silent. I really don’t want to speak up, I hate disagreements. I suppose I will have to. Ugh. It will probably be good for us. Maybe it won’t cause as much friction as I think it would.

I’d want my girls to speak up if they were in a similar situation. I don’t want them to become invisible and voiceless, and not know how to ask for what they need.

It makes you realize how short life is. One life, one self. Should you waste time stagnating? Secretly, I wish I could have two different lives, not simultaneously, but two chances to experience life and expand myself.

Something I want to know more about: we are told to value ourselves, right? How do you do that when you have kids to consider? What may be good for you, on one hand, may be bad for the kids. On the other hand, perhaps there is good in learning to reconcile obligation and self??? Or value in self denial? How do you do that without feeling weak? So maybe we have to value ourselves, despite choosing self denial (walling off parts of one’s self)? Or????? When it comes to reading self-help books, we have very pro-family books, or books that speak to the spirit, but seem geared to single people, who can make life changing moves.

Where are the chapters on development of self and self fulfillment whilst one has a family to care for??????

………………………………………………………..

Aha! This is why one of my favorite authors for self searching has no specific advice for moms:

And I realized at age forty-eight that I did not have a spiritual practice. I could talk with the best scholars about the notion of God, like Thomas Aquinas, who on his deathbed said, “Everything I’ve done is nothing but straw.” Because he finally had a true mystical experience, which is he went from intellectual chatter to finally having an experience of the power and nature of God. And the best way I can compare that is a woman who’s never had a child and giving lessons on childbirth and talking about how to be a mom, to finally having a child, and then listen to her talk. And it’s night and day. Now when she talks about labor pains, I’d listen to her. But I’m not going to listen to anyone who hasn’t been through motherhood talk to me about being a mother, which is why, by the way, I do not deal with children. I don’t have any, which is why I don’t lecture on motherhood. I don’t have any and I’m not a mother. I know exactly what my parameters are. Unless I’ve been there and done it, I am not going to insult mothers by standing in front of them and telling them something that in truth I know nothing about. For as much as I love my nieces and nephews—they live with me, they’re all over my house constantly—I didn’t give birth to these kids. They didn’t come out of me. So no mother would respect my guidance to her in the same way she might respect what I have to say about archetypes or medical intuition, or perhaps, the nature of God. I’ve gone through grand mal seizures, I’ve gone through near-death experiences. I’ve gone through illnesses. I’ve gone through dark nights. I’ve gone through an endless number of personal years alone and isolated, and my life has been carved by only one thing, and that’s not by choice in some regard, but it is what it is, which is a quiet life of someone deeply involved with God.      ———————————————– Carolyn Myss Interview

http://www.soundstrue.com/podcast/transcripts/caroline-myss.php?camefromhome=camefromhome

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5 thoughts on “Marriage and Voice

  1. We have have somewhat parallel experiences on opposite sides of the globe.
    I don’t have any solutions but I do understand. Love.

  2. Your blog hasnt changed! Ive had it on my links for years!

  3. This week has been so much better, thank god. I haven’t had any discussion on us working as a team, as in team housework/child-rearing. I don’t know. When it is all ok it doesn’t seem to merit the frustration of a discussion where it is nearly impossible to be understood. Anyway. I tried to be more proactive in housekeeping and cooking–not for the husband, but for my sanity. Things feel better when the floor has been swept and at least two of the major “surfaces” in our house are kept clear. That helps everyone! Had some good relaxing time with my husband, after we dropped off the kids, that also helps. I think we must have had sex, but honestly, I don’t remember. He he he. Was taken out to dinner the night before by my neighbor. It was awful trying to coordinate with husbands running off, and kids burning out waiting to pass the torch. It almost didn’t happen, and by the time we made it out of the house it was 9 pm, and the good restaurants were closed. Went to ihop, which is a banal, overpriced, American chain restaurant. But, we had solitude, the place to ourselves, a decent burger, and a good long conversation. I felt 18 again, even though our conversation was clearly middle age.
    What else…? Getting the heck OUT of the house in the morning! That is so good for my soul although it takes a little more effort with the whole pre-school morning chaos. Just dropping them off is good, I get the morning air, and maybe I’ll stop for a coffee. And two days of early chorus practice—kids voices a piano and a guitar, so embarrassingly good for me. If I had a house with a yard I’d be outside, I could stay home and not feel cagey. Here, if I let the husband drop off the kids, I loose momentum and it is easy to not get out at all. Anyway. Things are up. I hope, inshallah, I can maintain a flow of balance between self care of the soul (whatever form that comes in), housekeeping (which helps the moods), and quality time with family (not the constantly resentful, hiding in the back room stuff).

  4. Oh gosh, did I mention fall is finally here? That helps a lot. Can’t stand California Central Valley heat. I love fall.

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