Sometimes I find myself looking back and trying to pinpoint when things went downhill for me, either in spirit or health. How did I end up as this pathetic, ineffective, over-weight, fuddy-duddy (and despite how sad that sounds, I do love myself)?
In spirit, well, the glass is half empty. When did that start? Why didn’t I learn to see ahead with hope? This effects one spiritually, as in the soul-not religiously, and when it comes to figuring out how to be “successful”. You do this, and you do that, and you can have what you want! I remember visiting my Grandmother, back in her hometown, back when she could drive, and having a mini breakdown after seeing beautiful little homes that I felt I could never have access to because I could never do the A+B to get there. I was bawling by the time we got to the grocery store, so my grandmother took me to the Starbucks next to it to sit for awhile. That was pretty surreal. I don’t think I was able to explain this sadness to her, but she respected it. I had good childhood memories and not so good ones of that town. The good ones were house related, built by the daily walks to and from school which were pretty blissful–no one to make me feel miserable, or tease me. I soaked in the seasonal beauty, and the smells of the trees, grass, and homes. I visually explored every home and yard. Anyway, I stopped crying. We went shopping, and afterwards the bagging clerk, who was instinctively kind, turned to me before he left and said it would get better.
Home has plagued me. I dream of homes that are left for me, and finding new apartments that are really neat and full of soul. Throughout college I couldn’t focus on school because I wanted “something real”, which I think meant home, family, and community. Dating men, and playing house kind of filled the hole. I try to imagine what college would have been like if I had been secure enough, and “filled” enough to enjoy it, not to mention clearly seeing that A+B+C= D. Would I have been more successful, and career oriented? I had so many opportunities. I can only say, with some sad sort of pride, that I got into Art School and Architecture School—but I couldn’t follow through because I wanted to be settled more, because I was starting to get exhausted in the evenings, and I couldn’t see ahead career wise. I wish I could have given myself love and support, and had the vision to drive me through.
Health-wise, I have a feeling that somewhere around here I started to get emotionally tired, and more exhausted at night. I think I was pretty healthy, because I didn’t eat nearly as much or as bad as I did back then, plus I walked everywhere, all the time, Boston style. I also started being very unhappy, and tried therapy, unsuccessfully. I was pretty moody and grumpy. I don’t think I knew how to take care of myself, or how to examine whether certain things were making me feel worse. Later, After my second child was born I fell through the last layer of what ever was holding me together. I had major depression, and a whole lot of anxiety. It is funny I didn’t even recognize my feelings as anxiety, really. It was a relief to find a label for it, and go ah-ah! Anything is better than the unknown when it comes to feeling like you are loosing your marbles. Weight-wise… Food fills a hole, a void, and hole. I must need a lot of dopamine, and reassurance. I’ve been through a lot of ups and down in my marriage, and with my faith—all emotional baggage. Now add to that NOT being in Boston where walking is enjoyable, and having kids, which makes you prefer to drive, and have to drive, and for Pete’s sake—even walk slow! You can also add to that list profound fatigue, whether weight related or not—makes it hard to have energy for exercise AND daily existence, which includes household upkeep and managing kids, cooking, shuttling people around, etc. Hmmm, one more thing–I am very overwhelmed by situations that are frenetic, or social visits—both zap my energy as well, and I need time to recoup in silence and solitude (hard to do when you are a mom). All this, that I am putting out is not a pity -party, just a list of obstacles, and conditions that I must navigate around to function.
To be continued…