Repetition 2

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How does one live with and accept the choice you’ve made, because the alternative seems worse for others, and maybe oneself? It’s almost like choosing something sub-par, because it ultimately seems like doing the right thing. There are different types of positions to be in when making choices, and I can imagine how having health and energy, money, and no kids would change things. It’s very hard to make decisions with kids in the mix. For the record: it’s not all that miserable, I just feel boxed in, unfulfilled (community, friendships, intimately, etc). Actually that’s a lot of key areas.

Maybe it would be different if I felt like I could be myself, fully, without curtailing my thoughts, and potential activities, or friendships. It feels like I am to my husband, as I was to my step-mom–always worried about what they’ll think, not doing certain things I know will cause friction, not “being” anyway that causes friction. God help me be respectful, but also relearn to be myself. Let me stand for things that matter and let go of things that are detrimental.

If I could stand for who I am, and feel comfortable in my own house, what would that be like? Would I feel better? Would our relationship really collapse (I remember the friction cause by Sufism)? I’d like to feel better about being home and being in this relationship without causing anger or hatred. I want leeway, or times when I can loosen the reigns and not be questioned about things. Maybe these are red flags, and I’m not seeing them because of the kids and because it is not a “bad/violent” situation… Is this the situations worth the work? That’s what conclusion I came to several years ago when I wanted to leave, and didn’t for a few good reasons. Some were personal and “clear”  and some of them had to do with kids, poverty, and health barriers.



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