FLOTSAM

Imagine myself…

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     I’m imagining myself doing a Whole30 diet. Basically an elimination diet, or anti-inflammation diet, which have been recommended by two functional medicine doctors when faced with my myriad of small problems, not big enough to be anything with a label. The Epstein Barr Virus, or EBV, did come up with the last set of labs as high (don’t ask me to explain, or dig through papers right now). That was the only validation I’ve ever had for my exhaustion. It’s not thyroid, not hormonal… I’m going to insist my regular doctor order me another EBV test, which I hope she will do, because I need to either shit or get off the pot with EBV at this point. Either I will be validated again as chronic, and I can start the EBV protocols again, as well as the diet changes, or I can gladly clear out half my supplements, and walk away.

     It was really nice to have something to blame, and hopefully it made sense to my family when trying to explain why I’m in bed all day or too tired to do “exciting” things, or keep the house clean. The state of my home is a daily confrontation. It’s humiliating and exhausting. Sometimes enraging, and sometimes it just sends me to my room to self medicate. I mean, give someone with very little energy and a low tolerance to stress a daily erupting volcano of laundry, dishes, dirt and dog hair, add to that monkey kids who hasten the explosion of shit. I have to admit that trying to get my kids to clean is sometimes exhausting in itself and I do give up. I do not have the fortitude that my step-mom had to enforce, and I have not mastered the shame inducing, look of daggers she could do.  Yesterday was mostly a good day. I ended up getting overwhelmed and frustrated with sitting in the sun and heat waiting for the kids to get out of the pool, which took several goes, and then getting into the car and being assaulted with loud crazy banter (one daughter has this sonic dying cow sound, and both tend to flail around a lot)….well, it put me over the edge, I cried the whole way home, and went to bed. Oh, I guess I should preface that situation with a good dose of chicken or the egg thinking while the kids swam:

“Am I depressed, why am I depressed, am I ill, why can’t I solve this, why is it so fucking hard to remember all my passwords to the online health websites, am I just so obese that I’m tired, is it nutritional, if I go back on meds will I mask this underlying health situation, am I ill because of my marital situation and that maybe I should not be a say at home mom–but how the fuck can I go back to work with no energy, why are all the seemingly progressive doctors and psychologist not taking insurance, why is it so intimidating to ask for appointments!?!?!?!?!?  Arghhhhh!”

I should have just read a novel instead of trying to book appointments and find doctors on a cel phone. In the sun. Bad choice. I was so exhausted before hitting the pool, I probably should have not gone, except I do need to get my kids moving.

So, imagine what a month of clean eating would do (not thinking about coffee, or trying to do this while cooking normal for everyone else)…Let’s imagine waking up without feeling hung over, going for some green tea, eating leftovers (because who the fuck is going to cook meat and veg in the morning, while hungry!? No!). Thankfully I like leftovers and soup. I imagine I’ll be prepping a lot of snacks and foods to be eaten for lunch and breakfast. I will become a meal planning, uber-food-blogger-super-mom. Eyeroll. That done, I will find myself with extra energy (I better fucking hope so!). Now what the fuck do I do with it? Art? Spend it all on cleaning this heap? Apply for a job? OK I have energy and no more moods effected by overeating bad foods, sort of like a snarling discomfort. Oooh, I can have people over! I can organize some neat things at the library or in town. Or a dog park BBQ event. I’d like that. It is really hard to imagine this because it’s been so long since I’ve done stuff, had money or freedom to do stuff… It’s also hard to imagine because I fucking love all sorts of foods, and for some reason I’ve eschewed people who’ve eaten differently (some have been “cooky”and that doesn’t help). I need to dismantle me preconceptions of people who eat differently and let it not be an issue. I’ll be whipped and humbled by this I’m sure. As I have been by every other thing I’ve ever said I’d never be/do.

This might be priority number one, because exhaustion makes me really depressed about my quality of life; I see no way to be better if I have no energy to change what bothers me. End me now then! Don’t let me be a weight that drags down my husband and kids, I’ve already drug down myself. My thoughts can get pretty bleak. When I do take advantage of a moment of having energy, I am a happy person. I love going out. I want more lifetimes.

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