FLOTSAM


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Purgatory, maybe Hell.

Marital verbal warfare.

How do you trump the phrase, “I’d sacrifice everything for the children!”? As if you are making flippant decisions, and could care less about your kids. Is it a pissing match between would give up more to be the hero? I should have told him I would support my girls if they tried and kept coming to a similar conclusion in their marriages. For how long does one sacrifice oneself to a marriage, just for the sake of the kids? The point is to now work together differently, for the sake of the kids. How is that so hard to understand? Now add a layer of religious shaming, full in law prayers to save you and bring you back together, like, fuck that! You just outed me to your whole family as a deviant, and apparently did the same to my family before I had the chance. He tells me everyone is sad for me and nobody will accept my new partner. And did my dad just side with him when he shared that my birth mother left him for someone but eventually came back!? It makes me nauseous. 

There are so many tricky things for me to navigate around. Fears. Not knowing how to quickly build myself a fortress of safety (income, housing, filing the paperwork right). I want to leave now, but I want the kids to stay in their house. I’m the primary caregiver. Once I file I’m to move out and arrange to see the kids as much as I want (his version). Had I income, I could say the same to him. You leave, it’s easier for you to step out, and easier for me to get the kids to school and home again from here. 

He says, “How come you never communicated with me!? You never gave me a chance!”.  Because you shut me down early on when I tried to. Because I’m always privy to your thoughts and opinions, and I know your reactions.  Because I don’t want to make you sad while I’m figuring shit out until I’m ready.